My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
