oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
