Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
it's like heaven, but drunker
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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