Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Randomize
