I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
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As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
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YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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