I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
