y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
