apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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