im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
