Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Randomize
