mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
