oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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