awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
