Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
where are you?
Hypothermia
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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