So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
