Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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