help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I think I sprained my soul last night
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
