The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
