You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
