So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
