Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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