im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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