im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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