The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Randomize
