That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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