I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
