why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
