I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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