Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
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