I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
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I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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