I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
i wish my penis had a tongue
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
