I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
