mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
