I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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