i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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