Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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