I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
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They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
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I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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