Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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