y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
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