I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
