You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
