I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
