get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I don't want my vagina anymore.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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