im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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