with your own penis?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
