my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
