Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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