dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
