You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
