Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
