you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
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Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
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We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies