Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.