Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
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A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
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Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.