I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
