In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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