I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
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