I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
All I want is dick and wine.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
