I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
